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So, I was flipping mindlessly through some channels tonight; Ron Popeil's Model 3000-T Rotisserie Oven & BBQ infomercials have finally started to get a little predictable in the plot-department (...set it and forget it...set it and forget it...must kill George Foreman...set it and forget...) Um, where was I? Oh yes, I was surfing my premium-basic cable service when I hit upon the Glory in Heaven of Holy Television Stations - Trinity Broadcasting Network. ( www.tbn.org )

Ronco Founder, Ron Popeil (aka. Satan)

Currently filling my television's phosphorous tube with the holy spirit was some sorry bastard singing in front of the "humble" TBN headquarters.

One particular excerpt from the emotional rap-ballad that stuck out: "WE ARE COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET, INSTEAD OF CLEANING OUT THE CLOSET!". Friends, it doesn't get any better than this. Hallelujah!

The performance continued for approximately three more minutes, as our musical master of the faith skipped and danced like a Gene Kelly imitator at a third-rate casino just

Purty gold! God is Good!

outside Las Vegas. The message of the song, in summation, was: "No tolerance! Kill the gays and abortionists, and Muslims, and anyone without a $300 hairpiece!" Riveting. Simply riveting. Move over The Producers, it's "Springtime for Jesus!"

Following this stunning performance of Intolerance! The Musical was a session with our favorite heap of cosmetics, Jan Crouch.

Violently, shockingly, appallingly, and relentlessly molesting your spirit like an abstinent priest on a porno set, Jan immediately begins reiterating what is, in fact, the entire constant message of TBN: "God is telling us we're doing wrong when the World Trade Center crumbles and kills good people - and it's the fags, and the baby-killers, and those other people who don't believe what we do, that is bringing our world down."

If you've ever watched TBN before, and if you are somewhat on a similar plane of existence and intelligence level as a mentally-challenged beetle, you can smell something fishy going down at the Tustin, CA broadcast station. But never before has there been such a strong and disgusting sense of twisted, perverted, and inhuman exploitation. Watching the entity known as "Jan Crouch" (which I'm almost 100% positive is actually a band of co-conspirator makeup products that plan to infiltrate any normal teachings of Christianity or human goodness by congealing into semi-human form) truly gives me physical pains. It makes my heart ache.

"God is telling you that you need to pray with us! He is sending us a message! That message is: call (714) 731-1000 and make a love-gift donation!" Hmm, I'm curious how much TBN has donated to the WTC relief efforts.

And don't even get me started on that conspiracy-theorist son of hers.

"I'm Constipated!"